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Rejection

Sep 1st, 2009 by Admin

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Not buying

One of the most misunderstood and feared aspects of life is rejection. No one wants to be rejected. It feels terrible. It feels like failure. It feels as if we are being judged as not good enough.

Think back to a time when you were rejected. Was it a positive time in your life? The answer is no. Rejection implies that we are a failure, particularly if we really wanted to be part of whatever we were reaching for. To be rejected is so closely related in our minds to failure that we will do almost anything to avoid it.

Therein lies the problem. Whenever you try to avoid a negative you first attract it in order to know what to avoid. This is a self-defeating action. You will attract and achieve what you focus on. Focus on negatives and you will achieve negatives, always. So, the question remains, how do you deal with rejection so that the outcome is positive?

You focus on the positive. So you need to look at what you really want. That is connection and a good relationship. Rather than trying to avoid rejection you must look at establishing rapport, gaining agreement and good communication.

Almost no one really understands what rejection is. If we are to successfully deal with rejection we must fully understand it. To understand rejection we must define it, we must recognise its origin and the implications of rejection whenever we experience it.

In order to understand anything we must learn and to learn we must question. First question:

What is rejection?

Rejection is:

Non acceptance of a circumstance, communication or person.

Second question:

Why does rejection occur?

The major reasons rejection occurs are, the person rejecting can see no benefit to themselves from the circumstance, communication or person or they see another alternative that is better for them. They either

Misunderstand
Regard it as unimportant
Regard it as not relevant
Don’t like it or the person
It is not real to them
It conflicts with their personal values
They don’t want it

In summary whatever they are rejecting does not match their needs and wants as they perceive them. In life we focus on satisfying our needs and wants. How do we decide on what our needs and wants are? That’s an interesting question that could take hours to analyse. One useful way to look at it is that we adopt a viewpoint on everything we come in contact with in our lives.

If we are experiencing whatever it is for the first time we must learn about it in order to make sense of it and fit it into our body of knowledge. During the learning process we develop an attitude regarding whatever it is and then we behave consistent with our attitude.

One logical context to look at this is in terms of SURVIVAL. That is, we look at things in terms of benefit or otherwise to our personal survival in the first instance. We then evaluate whatever it is with a broader frame of reference, still using survival as the criteria. Does it benefit the survival of our loved ones, friends, society in general or mankind as a whole? Thus we arrive at a conclusion regarding whether it is a benefit or whether it satisfies our needs and wants.

Having developed an attitude our behaviour develops as a logical outcome of viewpoint and attitude. We will always behave in a manner that promotes our survival and is in line with what we believe to be true, our viewpoint.

Rejection is a two way street. Either you are being rejected or you are rejecting. Now, I have stated earlier that the feeling you get when you are rejected is mainly negative as it represents a loss, or failure.

We need to look at the action of rejection very carefully. In order to really understand rejection we must also look at the corollary of rejection, and that is acceptance. Whenever we make a choice we both accept and reject simultaneously.

We choose to buy a particular item of clothing at a department store. As we choose we also reject those items we examine and fail to buy. Does that make the items not chosen inferior to the item we purchase? No, it simply means we selected one that was most appropriate to our PERCEIVED NEEDS AND WANTS.

It may be that we didn’t like the item not chosen, or that we thought it was inferior to what we did eventually choose. But the important fact remains, we chose according to…

OUR VIEWPOINT

Our viewpoint is simply that which we believe is true for us. In other words, it is our reality. It is not necessarily the same reality that others see, it is just the way we see things.

Every day we are faced with choices we must make. Now, it is not possible to make a choice without rejecting some alternative. It is also not possible to live without making choices. Therefore acceptance and rejection are a natural and essential function of life and living.

Now, in order to establish any connection it is necessary to develop rapport, a relationship of some kind. That means establishing agreement in some fashion. For example, when we first meet someone we, depending on the circumstances, seek to establish a measure of agreement. That is, we share a common reality. If we start out disagreeing it is unlikely either person will accept the other. That means rejection. It is neither bad or good. It simply means an absence of shared reality, or agreement.

If we encounter rejection in our professional lives it doesn’t mean you are a failure. It means you have not yet achieved sufficient agreement to be able to share viewpoints and, ultimately, behaviour.

The question is; what can we do about it?
Let’s look at it logically. I know you have heard it all before and familiarity breeds contempt. Bear with me.

Obviously you have to BE THERE. We all know what that means, but few of us are able to achieve it for more than a few minutes at a time. Why is that?

So many of us are so busy with self talk that we scarcely have time to really look at and listen to the other person. We are busy working out what we are going to say next rather than simply being there and placing all our attention on the other person. It’s as if we are afraid we will forget what we want to, or need to say, so we ‘hold it in our minds’ and wait our opportunity to get it out.

Every time you do that you miss an opportunity to really find out what the other person’s viewpoint really is. So many times we try to impress with our viewpoint before we know the other person’s viewpoint.

Remember, nothing will change in the other person’s universe until their viewpoint changes and it will not change unless they have an opportunity to communicate and look at their viewpoint. It is really all about them.

Just a word on why being almost totally absorbed in the other person reduces rejection and promotes good relationships. It is your subtext. If you are absorbed in the other person you will physically and emotionally reflect this. You may not necessarily be completely aware of it, but it will happen.

The other person will pick it up and feel good about. In effect you are saying to the other person, “You are the centre of the universe and I am vitally interested in you and what you have to say.” They will feel accepted and important. If they feel that way they are loath to reject you.

In effect you are allowing the other person to be as they are. Another word to describe it is tolerance. As people always look for equilibrium they will tend to reciprocate your attitude and accept you.

Life is a two way street and if you make life pleasant for others, it will come back. This obviously applies to all life, not just your professional duties.

In the present economic times people are facing possible rejection in many aspects of their lives, so any time you reduce that you are doing the other person a favour and enhancing your own chances of having a positive experience, both personally and professionally.